


Only Human

by fhsa_archivist



Category: Angel: the Series, Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Drama, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-03-12
Updated: 2006-03-12
Packaged: 2019-02-05 13:36:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,554
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12795705
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fhsa_archivist/pseuds/fhsa_archivist
Summary: When you spend half your life hiding who you are, is it a wonder other people don't see it? An old problem haunts Xander (post season seven AU)





	Only Human

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Haven, the archivist: This story was originally archived at [Fandom Haven Story Archive (FHSA)](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Fandom_Haven_Story_Archive), was scheduled to shut down at the end of 2016. To preserve the archive, I began working with the OTW to transfer the stories to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2017. If you are this creator and the work hasn't transferred to your AO3 account, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Fandom Haven Story Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/fhsa/profile).

  
Author's notes: Disclaimer: I own nothing in this fic or any other i write.  


* * *

It's not a problem, it's only a problem if you let it be, if you haven't perfected the art. Xander has, he's been perfecting it since he hit puberty. He's learned the best lies, the half-truths and the ways too truly hide it. 

 

Xander sighs and his knees protest as he sits on the floor, cross legged, the small box in front of him a ticking time bomb for someone like Xander. It wasn't always this way; he could remember a time before his parents drank, before all the crap happened with Jesse and the Hellmouth when he never lied, never needed to cover it up. But times change and with it so do the excuses. Not that he needs to make them anymore, no one notices anyway they're too busy. He isn't sure if that hurts him or makes him furious, he isn't sure about anything anymore.

 

Its funny the people who do seem to notice are the ones who leave him or are killed. Xander can't help but laugh at that. He's only ever shared his secret with three people; only one he truly trusted to tell, the others found out themselves and they all left him. Xander sighs as he opens the box and takes out the small cake, he savours the Twinkie thinking back on better times. 

 

Jesse, he was the first to find out, the first to realise what was going on. Xander had been impressed he assumed willow with her doctors and nurse practices would have known, not that he was flaunting it but he didn't hide it well at first, it got better over time. 

 

It started out as an accident, an extra cruel word here, a drunken slur there and Xander found himself at the edge. Hardly even in his teens and he was already addicted to it, stuck in it's destructive cycle. It gave him power and control something he craved, especially with his parents. He knew it wasn't clever, wasn't a good idea but it didn't matter; it made him feel better then he was. It gave him some sense of control back. 

 

He didn't even realise it became a habit until Jesse mentioned how much he was eating and joked about hitting growth spurts. When he did realise it was too late; it's become an addiction. He could hide it at first, laugh it off as good metabolism and pretend the problem didn't exist while all the time trying desperately to pull away from it. 

 

But it was still there, hidden under his baggy clothes. The awful bright baggy clothes Xander purposely picked out, not because he likeed them. Dear god they were an eyesore, but they took away peoples focuses, and hid what was underneath. Nowadays he goes more towards darker colours, baggy suits, still hiding though.

 

Jesse had just known him too well, Xander reasons. He didn't know how he was doing it or why but he knew him and he'd been the first to realise why Xander was the way he was. Why he constantly hides his body, his true self from people. Why he pretends not to care and that everything is fine or laughs it off despite wanting to scream and curse. Xander shakes his head, he didn't understand it so how Jesse had known was a miracle. 

 

Still it had been too little too late, by the time Xander had haltingly confessed Jesse was enamoured with Cordelia and too distracted to help him. At that point it didn't matter that Jesse knew, his friend didn't realise how big a problem it was and Xander had shied away from spending a lot of time with him, preferring to spend time with Willow and ignore the problem then listen and get help from the boy he was falling in love with; the one who would break his heart by talking about the woman he was in love with. Maybe if he'd gone to Jesse sooner and told him the truth his friend would have never been at the bronze and been vamped that night.

 

Xander sighs, so many ifs.

 

If his parents had been better parents, if he'd been able to tell Willow or if it had never started in the first place. If he'd told Jesse the truth, if he had never staked his friend, if no one had forgotten.... That was the worst, walking around dying bit by bit as friends forgot and people moved on never once thinking back on what had happened. The world kept going whether you wanted to scream and have it pay attention to you. 

 

That's why he marvells at Willow in a way, not that he'd ever tell her that. Xander knows dark and scary magic obsessed willow isn't a good thing but still she has power behind her and made the world stop and listen to her grief. Xander merely played along with the others in public and grieved in private. That had just fuelled his problem and the cycle had started again with a vengeance. 

 

Sometimes Xander wonders if there is ever a way out or if he is doomed like a reformed smoker to always crave even if he doesn't have. 

 

Xander reaches for another Twinkie and bites into it, savouring the flavour. And then along came Angel, vampire just like Jesse had been but with a soul. Xander wasn't stupid, he hates deadboy now for other reasons but back then he'd been so angry so enraged that everyone would welcome him into their midst and fight to get him back despite his innate evil demon-ness. Especially when they forgot the one casualty who had needed help. Who could have also been saved- Jesse, the boy he'd loved and killed. Well that as how he had seen it back then, he knew now it wasn't so black and white but back then things were different. Maybe if he'd accepted Angel he and Willow wouldn't have drifted apart when Buffy came and he could have told her the truth, then again he can't say for sure he would have anyway. 

 

He swallows the Twinkie and licks his lips and fingers. 

 

And then along came Anya, sweet distracting Anya. She'd pulled him back from the dark side and forced him to become well again. He kept himself hidden under the baggy T-shirts but stopped his addiction cold turkey. He hadn't done it for love or lust or even his health. He'd done it because he hadn't wanted her to find out. He'd been desperate to hide it from her as he had from the others for so long. Her innocent comments about his large muscles and yet strangely bony chest had shocked him into a startled panic. Sleeping with her the second time had ensured she would not leave his side, not give him a moment to feed his addiction. 

 

He was always glad for that. No matter how he and Anya ended, when they started out he'd craved her, desperately wanted the company to get rid of the harrowing loneliness and fear he felt and he'll always be grateful to her for stopping him even briefly and for filling part of the hole that Jesse had left. 

 

He hangs his head as he polishs off the Twinkie and reachs for another. He knew it wasn't love, they both had. At first he'd believed it was, had told her how desperately cared for her how much he needed and wanted her and she'd felt the same back; or so she said. When Glory was defeated she'd left him, she'd returned the ring to him. She said she always knew neither of them loved each other. She just wanted to embrace her humanity, to become safe and loved but while she could never go back to her job her old lover was still waiting and seeing Anya face to face with death in the form of Glory had brought them closer together. Anya was still human and she intended to stay that way but her demon lover had confessed all to her and Anya had taken the chance and accepted her back. She found comfort and security in Xander but her true love offered her everything more. 

 

Xander had to agree she'd have been stupid not to take it. Xander knew too what he'd needed to keep the cravings away wasn't Anya. She'd been a temporary fix, a way of keeping him from feeding his addiction. But like all addictions especially those unnoticed it had grown over time and festered into something new. 

 

He kept away from it for well over a month mainly because he was taking care of Dawn. He knew how much she'd grieved for Buffy before they brought her back but had been horrified to hear the familiar warning noises from the bathroom. He knew he shouldn't bust in and embarrass her but hearing them again and again for almost a week, he snapped and had pulled her out of the destructive cycle.

 

They'd been tears and recriminations and Dawn had even aimed a few punches and denials but Xander had worn her down with the truth. She'd actually listened to him them, as he told her about his parents and Jesse and Anya and how he'd had the same problem for over ten years, how it had come and gone and even changed slightly but how he could never get rid of it. How it was always there. He'd told her and shown her the silvery and red marks and told her what she was letting herself in for.

 

Then he'd held her and they'd both cried. After that day he never saw signs that Dawn was still caught up, he kept talking to her encouraged her friendship with Spike and even helped bring her sister back. He can never help himself but he'd helped Dawn and that was enough. 

 

Then they'd brought Buffy back and things slowly began returning to Hellmouthy-normal; that's when it had started again. At first he hadn't cared about the way he looked, he gained a few pounds and forgot to shave but who cared? It was only when he took another look in the mirror that it all came back and after a critical once over, the shirts became baggier over time. He promised himself before she left he wouldn't get morbid and upset and start the cycle again. He'd promised himself he'd keep away from it.

 

He'd lied. He knew it and even Anya had known something was wrong even if she didn't know what that's why she got Spike to watch over him and protect him. Not that the big bad realised what he was protecting Xander from he'd just been happy for a moss free place to sleep and watch TV.

 

Xander smiles slightly bitterly. Back then had Spike known he probably would have enjoyed it even blackmailed Xander over it; that was until all the business with Dru. After feeling like a pair of complete butt monkeys the two had come to some kind of tentative peace over beers. 

 

Xander isn't sure exactly when their 'peace' had become friendship but he remembers the day Spike had caught him mid cycle, bent over on the bathroom floor too tired to stand. Xander smiles, a happier smile this time and licks the sugar off his fingers before reaching for another cake. 

 

He'd never seen him so mad, hissing and growling and quoting Oprah at him. He'd been more then a little surprised Spike knew what was going on. It wasn't at all hellmouthy and was more then a little routine and human for the average vamp. Then again had Spike been the average vamp Xander knew he would have found himself on the floor bleeding to death rather them being handed water and being given soothing back massages. 

 

Xander smiles again at the memory of Spike in full game face trying to protect him from something unhellmouthy to say the least. He would have laughed but his mood was too sour.

 

He'd told spike the whole truth; all of it from beginning to end over time as he and Spike bonded. And Spike had told him everything from the bloody awful ponce of a poet William to trying to shag the slayer. They'd come to more then an understanding; both agreeing they were loves bitches. Xander had seen the monster and the man and slowly fallen in love with both. Oh he'd resisted at first, not because of the sexuality issue but the species one, but as the two bonded sharing their own problems he'd slowly been worn down. 

 

Not that Spike intentionally made Xander fall in love with him, he'd thought they were nothing but good friends and fuck buddies, even after the soul he hadn't seen Xander was in love. He still flirted in his own way with Buffy and he still pined for someone else, someone whose own soul and innate broodiness stopped Spike from going near him. 

 

Xander shakes himself, the less dwelled on that vampire the better. His vampire, Spike...a ghost of a smile flickers over Xanders face as he takes a sip of cola before reaching for the cakes again. 

 

His vampire had been more then that too him, not only had spike pulled him out of the cycle but he'd given Xander a reason to stay out. Xander had never expected poems of love hearts or undying love declarations from him, he'd just wanted the vampire, soulless, souled he hadn't cared he'd wanted spike.

 

Which was why it hurt so much now. Knowing your lover died is bad enough, knowing he saved you and everyone else whilst doing it gives you some peace, but knowing he died loving some else hurts.

 

Knowing the last words on Spikes lips were a declaration of love to someone else almost rips him in two. But what is worse is knowing his lover had been resurrected and didn't want to know anymore, didn't try to call. Xander had believed their friendship had at least meant enough to Spike to do that. 

 

What does he know, he's only human and a very fallible one at that. Hellmouth born and raised and he had one of the most human failings, his fault or not. He isn't a slayer, a witch or a vampire, he has no power. 

 

He has no job, no home. No one wants a half-blind manas a construction worker, it's too dangerous, so the job he loves was gone forever. Sunnydale is destroyed and he's still tagging around after Buffy, unsure where he fits in. Xander can't move on, he has nothing and no one.

 

He laughs bitterly feeling the familiar cycle begin again. He is a pro at it now. Spike is back, without a word or sign, he'd effectively written Xander off both as a friend and a lover along with the other scoobies and was now living the high life in LA with the man he loved. 

 

The man Xander loves didn't think enough of him to even call or write. Xander really is loves bitch. He laughs at the thought, what did he expect, he is only human.

 

Xander leans over the toilet and heaves.


End file.
